I am so tired from not sleeping much this week. I am artificially awake at this point. Tonight, Evelyn came to Zen and I thought of you and your portraits of transsexuals. I was talking to a guy from Montreal who told me that a friend of his, Mr. Canada to be exact, had started the transition to being a female. He showed me a before and after picture. She is mostly woman now and the complete opposite to the testosterone beast from her competing days. How interestingly the pendulum of life swings. I also talked some more to Summer today, one of our patrons, who used to work for the visionary company, Magic Leap. Maybe you overheard that she is planning to possibly move to Bali. She told me about the Chinese intuitive healer she has been seeing who is helping her access her next life step. In her case, it's about doing away with adversity and distancing herself from a relentless and rabid competitive spirit that makes people sick at her workplace. She also told me about a friend she cut off when Summer realized that this friend was repeatedly doing things that hurt Summer. I asked Summer whether she verbalized the hurt. She said no. She moved on and felt no need to explain. I was like: huh...
Unknown concept to me.
I hope that you are working through things and that you as well have a good reason for not verbalizing what I asked you for - just giving me heads up when you disappear.
You did it again today.
I don't want to believe that you would purposely leave me in doubt. You had told me about how you hate having to assume things as in these situations you tend to go to unsavory places in your mind.
What makes you think that it is different for me?
I don't need a whole run down of what the inner chaos (the dark places) that the 'cleaning' brought forth look like. All I need - is consideration and a measure of kindness in view of the lavish expressions of loving emotions you have bestowed upon me these past few weeks. This sudden 180 degree turn feels like you want to hurt me with your silence.
Why - is my question?
Do you want me to leave? You can say so. It would be easier and I wouldn't insist on being let in on the game changer. Be kind, Danny. You wouldn't want this done to you by someone who obviously cares about you. If something from Friday night bothered you, just say so. If you don't know and need space, say so. Don't go MIA. No friend would do that to another friend they care about, and no lover would do that to their lover, unless their lover had crossed them - probably horribly. I am appealing to the Danny who told me that he couldn't have anything bad happen to his closed ones and you included me in the list just recently.
You know I am a sensitive person, so why put me through the wringer?
Not answering my text messages at all. Not acknowledging them...going from daily communication of sharing music, images, and texts to complete shutdown, that is not the Danny who wanted to spend every night with me up until last Tuesday.
It's o.k. if things change, but communicate, man. Communicate it!
I won't let this rest until you tell me what is going on in your head beyond what you term numbness. Let me know if you decide to be on your own for days, if you wish to be without communication. Don't let me guess. That's cruel, as we know that assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.
I know you know that my request is reasonable. I know you know that I am not asking for an impossible thing. I know you know that you are risking losing my trust by not caring right now.
I have never been your opponent.
I may have said things that inadvertently set off something in your head that is now mingling with your disappearing act. I don't know. I can't apologize or course correct if you don't at least try to put words to why our interaction and your attitude toward me have so drastically changed. If you realized it was a rebound after all, say it. If you want to be entirely free without attachment and realized that my role was for you to break free of an unfortunate relationship situation, say it. If you need time to sort things through and want me to be patient, make it clear to me. I don't want to have to pull teeth here. There are so many reasons at this point for why you are behaving in a way that invites the unkind.
It is unkind what you are doing, and you know it.
We are all aware of our baser instincts and we can all get around them. It's me, Danny, Shane, the girl you took to Ibeyi. The Ire - blessings - are upon us. This tactic is not going to bring ire, I can tell you that. I am not trying to undo you or to trap you. If you feel that my reaction to your intensity is too intense, then look in the mirror and realize that you don't think very highly of yourself. If you think I am deluded about what I see in you and that I wouldn't be able to handle your entire darkness, well, how could you know without initiating me? Do you think ghosting is the answer? You know that silence is hurtful. Don't do this, please.
We are better than this.
We didn't have any fight or discord that I can recall that would warrant such a radical communication breakdown. We have shared beautiful things together (well, I thought so at least). Life is hard as it is, confusing and tedious at times. Don't treat me like a villain. If I did or said something that hurt you, tell me. Just communicate. Not communicating is a killer and it is a dick move, sorry to say. You said you don't want to be boxed in - so be it. Communicate it. Talk to me, man. I am Not the Enemy. I am Not the Enemy. I am NOT the Enemy. I come with goodwill in my pocket.
You told me that you introduced me to all these important people in your life because I am 'cool as fuck' in your words. You called me 'wildly intelligent'. For words to not sound hollow there is follow up; there are actions complementing those words. Be my friend for a moment here ( remember, Jesse and Celine in the hotel bedroom). Pretend I am a friend you are talking to (Jesse and Celine in the cafe in Vienna fake calling their friends).
I come as a blessing into your life not as a bane.
Don't you think that I can sense teeming, sordid forces wallowing, clamoring for attention underneath? I didn't go into this forge with you without knowing that you are no walk in the park. I knew there were parts of you that can be drastic and uncompromising and maybe satanic. You were concerned about showing me the darkest sides of you, or the cruelest, most heartless acts the day you talked to me outside Zen Mystery. Trust me when I say that what you are doing now is worse than what words could express. Once more:
It's me, Shane. It's Shane. I am not like most people. Most people would have run away or cut off communication already. Pride and what not. Expectations and conventional reactions. You don't write someone who is so obviously freezing you out. You don't remain available when a person suddenly seems to take you for granted and decides to go off some deep end. You don't show face in situations like this. You create distance, make the person think and want to see you again.
I am not up for this. I have never been. I don't operate this way. I am a pit bull who will stare truth in the eye come what may. What made me so distraught on Thursday outside the Hard Rock is the inner wisdom that what was said was not the crux of the matter. It didn't make sense, and like you said to me that night - You have not been used to verbalizing these things. Maybe no one ever did so in a kind manner, in an authentic manner. Maybe all you know is strife where people wish to gain an advantage, where it's all about one upmanship.
I am not up for that.
I invited you into my inner sanctum because I followed the call of the divine, the universe, the irresistibly attractive and desirable (London's Call of the Wild). I knew it could get messy. The situation wasn't ideal. You have your rough odds and ends and edges and corners as we all do. Make no mistake. I see those. I am not in agreement with certain ideas and executions you've related. That doesn't mean I don't care. That doesn't mean that you don't matter. That doesn't mean I will simply walk away and classify this a dud. No. This is not about pride, This is not about me.
This is about honoring life and what it gifts us with, and these last five weeks or so have been an incredible gift to me.
Would anyone throw this away? Well, yes, I guess. But I am not one of them. I will not resort to game playing and freeze you out equally. I will not pretend that I am over you and moving on and call you bad names. I have my doubts, I have my fears. But I don't take flight. I told you in that hotel room in Fort Lauderdale that if nothing else, I hope a friendship will be in the books. I know it threw you through some loop. I knew it was maybe ill advised to bring this up then. I just wish to remind you that the pain and tears I talked about in my last email are the fear that I will have to mourn you entirely from here on - like a death. You told me about the tailspin your father's death sent you in. I am not saying this is on par. What I am saying is that when someone matters, no matter the relationship and the time spent together, the possibility of having to say goodbye without being able to communicate again is tragic - to me it is.
I cannot un-know you Danny. I cannot.