Argumentative Lesions

~

My conscious mind tugs at me

Nagging me with each passing day

Whispering warnings into my inner ear

Silently reproaching my actions

Asking ever more insistently:

"What are you doing?"

Or rather

"Why are you letting this happen?"

~

The more fear and apprehension enter

The more I want to wish these embarrassing emotions away

I tell myself that I simply need to uncover a different approach

And you and I will be fine once more

~

The voice inside laughs derisively

Informs me that I am deluding myself

It reminds me that my honesty each time we have an argument

Is fast punished

It is there to remind me each time

That this is not an emerging situation

That what I am living seems to only grow dicier

Although I want so much for there to be ease

The words that reach me are:

"Be careful with what you are saying."

~

I overhear the underlying, thinly veiled threat

That cautions me not to engage in crossfire

Because I'll in turn stand to be called a ‘crazy fucking bitch’

I feel I am not at peace to express any feeling

That in your eyes will make you appear less

No matter the tone of voice employed

No matter the words chosen

Each time, I invariably become the villain

~

I fear you -

I don't want to fear you

Parts of me revolt against

The double standard I witness in you

And which I have failed to expose and set straight

All I know is I couldn't possibly act the way you sometimes do

Because if it were me, I wouldn't hear the end of it

~

And I always have to apologize

Even if I don't agree with you, with it, in short when my opinion differs

This lack of balance is blatant

And yet, you find a way

To make me feel helpless

When trying to get my point across

~

Your way of silencing my voice

Is fierce, unyielding, determined

And I find myself getting manipulated

Right in front of my eyes

To my unbelieving ears

To a mind whose logic is being systematically undone

~

I have become afraid for my sanity

I want to reason without fighting for verbal supremacy

I want to express complex emotions

Without being accused of instigating drama

So much I've already left unattended

Relinquished on the curbside of my feelings

And somehow, I still foolishly believe when you tell me

That you need me to be honest

Or else...

~

Or else you'll break up with me

~

Most of the accusations you hurl my way

Easily point back towards you

When it happens, I appease myself with 'he is still young',

'He'll grow out of it'

~

However, I see how your father treats your mother

I see how demure and sheepishly

She adjusts her actions to her husband's demands

~

Last weekend offered up a classic example

Your father finished his evening swim

And immediately, his martini had to be ready

And his wife available to provide him stimulating company

Even you urged your mom to remain seated

And finish watching the eight minutes left

On the clock

~

She looked at us defeated, weary of fighting,

Got up and made a gesture letting us know

That there was no point in fighting his requests

~

I don't want to end up like this

I already feel a fear rising

That I don't accept nor want on my watch

And maybe it's not about you

Being like your dad

And me, trying so much,

Not to be my mom,

Maybe it's just two people

Who read each other wrongly

And so, frustrations clash

As they arise

~

What's left then is quickly growing discontent

Expressed with our special brand of words that neither of us

Deems offensive and yet appears violently unjust

To the other ear

~

I want us to be all right

I want us to be fine, no, more than fine

How can it be that two years in

Our ways of talking have diverged

To such increasing lengths

There has to be a loose end to tug at somewhere

Something that will make this whole edifice

Of mutual discontent come undone

~

I want to safely air my opinions

To openly speak my mind

Without hearing these words of yours I sincerely dislike

"Be careful with what you're saying."

~

I picture myself becoming your mother

And I know I don't want to end up this way

I really, really don't

And so....I simply cannot let sleepy dogs lie

I have to force myself to continue speaking my heart