This and the Fact that You Are not Free

I wrote last night and what I wrote is something I have been dying to say but it still doesn’t feel like this is it. So let me try again.

 

~~~~

i wish you and i were on the same page

...

but we are not

i tried to make it work

i tried to pretend i was ok with how

things have changed between us

 

but I am no longer

...

ok with it

 

your affections and attentions have diminished 

you - are not free

you have a lot to purge from what I can see

from where i stand - removed

but I do not dare ask

it is an untenable place to be in

i am infatuated and wish to express freely

but I cannot because my love feels like an imposition

it stands to hurt you and cause a burden

 

so I remain mostly quiet and I swallow

and what ends up happening is pain

pain in my stomach knowing that

i am not standing in my truth

i have been trying to erase my needs 

I want to be there for you,

be light, not stand in the way of

your catharsis, your purge, your process

thing is we can’t bury things for long

those repressed thoughts and feelings 

they come up, they have a way of coming up 

//

for me it’s been a loss of focus and a loss 

of internal well being

i no longer know what you think 

what you truly feel - about Relating, about you and Brittany

about me or us

all I see are huge canvases of her, and a refusal to share

i get it - it’s intimate - one could say it s none of my business

but weren’t we supposed to be a dyad

werent we supposed to be together in this?

didnt you tell me to ask you anything?

you used to be available and kind all the time

-

i knew

i knew you weren’t nearly done

going through the motions 

i wasn’t kidding myself

what i didn’t anticipate was the sudden numbness

the hot and cold, the sudden lack of kindness and care

that came with it

and it keeps coming, and it will keep coming

...

and as much as i wish i were ok with it

unfazed, unconcerned, i am not

i feel a churning on the inside, i get sad 

i feel a pit in my stomach that seems to grow

with each passing day

i cannot pretend any longer that it is not there

i am starting to lose my equanimity

and i don’t feel proud of my silence and my swallowing 

thing is -  the emotional unease stems from

feeling left out in the cold

i swear there have been times lately when it feels like

you can barely stand being around me

it feels like you don’t like me very much

and this feeling does not go away

it keeps pressing its way up

 

 

so i can no longer turn a blind eye

i must heed what I am feeling

i must honor my process alongside yours 

i really tried to take myself and my needs

out of the equation but i am afraid

i am failing

i desire more than what a promising beginning

has been demoted to

i want an evolution of what we first had:

unbridled attraction and passion

a joint interest to explore the depth

a desire to discover each other 

-

but you are not free

-

and i am losing my freedom to be authentic

and carefree as a result of it

neither one is served by this

hell, i don’t even feel you care enough

to read these lines

that is not a good sign

and it makes me so sad

and i have been going back and forth

for a while and what to do and how to 

handle This

...

what this is - a situation i never wanted to be in

a rebound, a friend with benefits

<>

i am not equipped for it

i am the wrong “partner” for this

i have tried to look at my position from the spiritual side

but what i keep forgetting is that I am human

and that i have feelings for you

growing feelings for you that i cannot whitewash

that i cannot tame try as i may

i feel like a prisoner in my own skin

i am yearning to express what i feel for you 

but that would be selfish and yet, if i don’t

then who am I? 

Someone you don’t get to know because i

moderate and i omit

and the silence surrounding us is becoming white noise

inside my head

 

its killing me to have to write this

i don’t want to lose you 

but if i lose myself - then purpose

and Beauty is lost 

and it cannot be what the Orishas want

you seem voracious for experience and i am

starting to feel like dead weight

()

no one likes to be seen like a conquest,

like a notch on the belt

especially since i feel we have a few things in common

because i feel we aren’t  so ill matched

and that we both have beauty and breaking open to give to each other

i don’t feel it’s s just the hormone monster on both our ends

thats why it hurts

when potential remains unrealized because timing is off

or because one person is ready and free and the other is not 

 

i erroneously thought we could be friends

but i stand corrected in my statement

i feel too much at the moment to be in your presence 

and not want your touch and affection

i guess there is always an exception to what we see 

possible in ourselves 

 

had we met in different circumstances I know 

i would have wanted nothing more than to be your muse 

i look at Brittany’s canvases and they are gorgeous

there is true adoration - ode - and yearning there

and it reminds me that this is what i’ve been dreaming of

~ for years~

someone looking at me with enduring tenderness

i cannot settle for less

i am sorry

I cannot as much as I tried

I am human and I love you 

But I cannot start loving myself less