Swallowing Distance

While I hope for distance to alleviate past love

I watch the descending sun

With determined heaviness

Which the road cannot attempt to lift

The mountains to my right remind me of you

So does the insistent sunshine

Switching from searing to balming

~

How I dread the wait that's awaiting me

It always takes so much release

And continued letting go

Before things and people come back around

Or melt into the background

~

Clouds are cupping the disappearing sun

Its benevolent shine representing you while you're gone

This faulty heart of mine

Is seeking amorphous relief

My eyes are stand ins for yours

I talk to you within my indulgent mind

And I can't help but splurging

On slightly painful memories of you

~

This severance is still so young, so close to home

I can't help but think of

The time I could have spent

So differently with you

All the tidbits of a past

I now wish I could rewind

All those moments

In which I lucidly chose coarsely

And in favor of an overly oiled and tired story

~

You were right there

Beautifully available

And what I did was to throw my ugliest punch

Several times over

Until I could rest assured that the message had stuck

~

The damage I did to you, to us

I always mainly did to myself

And so what is left after my final act

Is the hope that the open road will offer generous balm

That it will heal bygone thought

~

Looking at the billowing sands

And dried out shrubs

A long immobile train lingering to our side

The washed out, thinned out clouds

The endlessly rigid stretch of paved expanse

I pray to the open space

That sadness won't keep me

In the eternally same place

~

I keep dreaming of you

Of a differently played out us

A truck on the lane next to us has the word 'England'

Painted on its back

Those signs that keep handing out punches

I should have seen them coming

I suspect that I may deserve it

This sorry tale of a grown girl who hopes for the road to heal her

Is only at its early start

Night's approaching and what's left of the day

Is up to me and my desire to correct my ways

~

For now you remain by my imagined side

This trip could be a way to prove

That I can be more than what I led on

I know that I can't rush process

But tell that to impatience's child

All I can do with your entrenched silence

Is to picture you with my mind's eye

Out there and in here

~

Until then

Those billowing imaginings will have to do

As my eyes remain glued to the car window