Why is it that I do not feel inspired to write
About the girl who – what exactly?
Loves me the way I used to love you?
Who is telling me day and night, night and day
Every day and three times more for good measure
That she loves me, that she likes me, that
No one other will fit the romantic bill for her from here on
That she is horny and that she only desires me?
Why wouldn’t I want to write about someone
Who seems so into me,
I don’t know whether
To rejoice in it or despair over it
Why have I remained silent until now?
Why am I not moved to scripture,
Why am I not feeling the motivation
To pen this most peculiar happening?
Doesn’t it remind me of a younger me with you?
Is it pure coincidence or rather a sign from some heaven?
Why is it that I don’t write anything about the weeks, now months,
Spent on this ship listening to the girl who keeps professing
Her love for me, a love she says she’s never quite
Felt before unless she counts her first adolescent love?
Why am I not gushing and bragging over this manifestation
This outpouring of admiration, of affection, and romantic assertions?
Why the hell not? What’s wrong with me?
Why am I dreading this rather than bathing in the glow
Of something lovely and flattering?
Shouldn’t I have written at least a few entries by now?
Am I really this dead, this deflated and numb, this…
What’s the word – out of balance?
Is my yoni dried up, completely shut down?
Am I attracted in that way?
I don’t think so; it feels like I'm not
Is that why I haven’t written a single line until now
Is it too weird that it’s a girl?
Didn’t I say I am open and willing to try and be
With whoever catches my fancy?
Does it mean she absolutely does not do it for me?
Wouldn’t it be a waste of time for all these
Emotions to just remain suspended
Without destination or manifestation?
It feels like such a waste
Such a waste!
Maybe that is why I don’t dare pen anything about the girl
Maybe I simply feel too bad about it
Or maybe it’s because I simply do not believe in it any longer
Maybe my time to trust in love and more particularly in someone
Who’ll love me for ‘real’
Has come to an end
Is she but a mirror to my past, a rear view of what came before
And now, I am on the other side – so to speak –
And I see my actions from the outside in
And it’s both soothing to the ego and discomfiting in other areas
I don’t know which is more prevalent but both sentiments are present
Why am I not more excited?
Do I see too many faults everywhere?
Do I in the end not want to be a girl liking a girl?
Was it all talk, hot air and not what I truly want?
~And how is it that could I still want you ~
A year ago, I could have embarked and spent
A fortnight with you but instead you backed out
Better prospects, easier prey, more alluring youth
So many possible reasons for why you decided to abort mid flight
So why did I pen so much in your name?
Am I a glutton for punishment?
Are the pointless, and the nearly inaccessible
The bedfellows I prefer choosing in the end?
Why again wouldn’t I rejoice in this? Why not?
Why do I think so much, and why does dread factor in?
This girl is the living embodiment of what I’ve wished for
Someone who loves the way I did – all in
Could I settle for this? No, there is no settling to be had
I haven’t come this far to settle
It’s either there, or it’s not, and it doesn’t seem like
What I see in her is enough – to attempt anything more
Than the uneasy and precarious friendship we have been
Engaging in for the time being
I can’t – I fear the possession, I fear the jealousy, I fear the fights
I fear not feeling what she feels – not reciprocating what she extends my way
I can’t do this to her – it hurt so much when I was in her place
I know how it was with you, the years pining over you
The back and forth, the confessions and the retractions
It wouldn’t be fair, no, it wouldn’t be…at all
So maybe all this is why my pen’s been silent in her regard
And what’s more preoccupying still -
I want to feel alive down there
I want to wake up, shake off dust
I want to allow myself to furiously love and be loved back
Come on, come on, wake up!
Goddamn it, wake up -
And you – you over there, why don’t you
Finally make a move and show me who it’s going to be?
If anyone at all…