~

What I feel is at best a blurry deal

My fear of coming clean remains hidden and safe

I hide behind cowardice to save face

I have let you peek inside my heart but never for long

I've let you glimpse an image of mine that when turned over has lost

Its rapture, joy, and lust

~

I dare not be entirely open with my feelings

Because of what could happen with this inverse image

It - I - could be ridiculed, belittled, outcast, shamed

This fear of exposed feelings almost always arises

Following an honest talk that breeds desire

Revealing dreams and what I've truly come to feel for you

My point of view of what you can handle keeps my mind in check

And the thought of chucking these limitations

Is something I often think about but almost always

Midway through doubt and abort

~

You accuse me of speaking in sayings and urge me to use my own words

But how can I 'let go' when I sense you pushing and pulling with such ease

A bold romantic statement turns to silence, unanswered letters and cold replies

This back and forth of tough wills and power struggles has compromised

My private attempts to properly paint you

The image, however clear in my heart, has been tarnished and tainted

Because of my childishness to hang on to hubris

~

And so -

The image has no choice but to recede

As I try to put it to paper with honesty and sans disguise

As I try to produce a clearly defined print

Confusion rises and I end up with a 'cubist' interpretation of ‘this’

~

Angles do not properly align, depth becomes erased,

Feelings whittled down to two-dimensional quips

What rages on so beautifully inside, away from prying eyes

Falls apart when put under the light

It's simply too painful to surrender

To all of the possible wounds this mine field called love

So often tends to usher in

~

Yet I do want you to see my image - clearly

When I sit down and meditate upon authenticity

Getting lost in its mirrors of chased integrity

I silently reach out to you and tell you how I feel

I think of openings, of past time when you and I spent nights

In close contact with each other’s' dreams

Inside these remembered moments I am perfectly capable of telling you

What my heart's image if pressed onto yours

With courage and resolve will read

Which is - that I love the you, who broods below the surface

And the image caption reads even simpler:

I love you ~ for I see you

 

(Annotation: A few months later it turned out that I didn’t really see you but only what I wanted to see in you. We want to see the best in people but sometimes, people do not want their best to come out – so in hindsight, I didn’t really want to see you, and it’s my fault)