Riptides

Riptides of pain

Welling up

Pushing against skin, tugging at the eye

The mind a mine field

Thoughts filled with suffering

The eyes turn to mirrors

They shine

So many more tears

Wishing to exit

Sitting here

And feeling those riptides

Tear at me

They tear at well-worn fabric

~

Again

Again

I am being told

That what I feel is too much

What he feels not enough

“I can’t give you an answer”

“I don’t know”

“Don’t try to define us”

Why is my brand of expectations

So damn hard to meet

Why does it feel like I am

Putting… a gun to your head

Are my insecurities overwhelming again

Am I the boyfriend repellent

Any type of attraction

Do I snuff it out

With the fear residing inside

~

Always the fear

That when I like someone

They will tire of me

See through me

Not find things

Worth staying with me

Sabotage ends up being

The game of today

And tomorrow

And I seem powerless to stop it

~

I am tired

Of not feeling enough

I am tired

Of being pulled close

Only to be quickly put to rest

I am tired

Of these riptides

I am tired

Of being alone

When there is someone

I’ve liked for so long

~

Riptides

They machine gun through my system

Weak is how I feel

Vulnerable and weak

My confessions, my questions

They are met

With a slight disdain

With incomprehension

You simply don’t ask such a thing

Where is your pride?

Where is your mask?

Where is your playful side?

~

I fear you will retreat

I fear I’ve lost you already

I fear that whatever opening

There may have been

Has now closed and will not

Open again

~

I fear that last night

I played my worst card

I fear that I once again

Acted the way I should not

Expecting different results

I hate the coldness of the body next to me

Annoyed at my wanting to know

Wanting to know the truth

About feelings and affections

I hate watching him fall asleep

While I am wide awake and aching

I want to scream and shake him

~

How can you be so apathetic

So compliant, so non-committal

Have I really felt in a vacuum

Was it all just some playful time

Without any real consequence?

What am I to you?

What am I to You?

~

I don’t know

It could be something

It could be nothing

After trying to be me

Being me as much as I can

I have failed to make an impression

I didn’t make an imprint

I am there

But I could just as well

Not be

~

It’s the apathy

Your apathy

Why is it that when I ask

You make it seem like I am asking

Too much

Maybe I am

~

I thought it was little

I thought I was

Keeping it real

I thought we were on the same page

I thought what happened last year

Carried over to this moment

I thought

Wrongly...evidently

~

And I am left with shards

Mental shards that hurt

The pain is physical

Visceral

I can’t think it away

At the moment

It is gutting

And it makes me want to scream

Yet I can’t I am cooped up on a ship

Everywhere I look

I have to pretend

If I don’t want to be seen as freak

~

Why does it seem

That I am handling these things

With less grace and strength

Than other people

Why?

Must it Hurt

So much?!